Double Ouch...

A Southern wife came home just in time
> to find her husband in bed
> with another woman. With super-human strength, borne of
> fury, and cutting
> firewood power, she dragged him by the willy down the
> stairs, out the
> back door, and into the tool shed out back of the barn.
>
> She put his hooha in a vice, then secured it tightly and
> removed the
> handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's
> saw. The banged up cheater was
> terrified, and hollered, 'Stop! Stop! You're not
> gonna cut it off with
> that rusty saw, are you?'
>
> The wife put the saw in her husband's hand and
> said...... 'Nope. I'm
> gonna set this old shed on fire. You do whatever you
> want.
>
>

When The Time Is Right

Obamacare

Another Blonde Joke

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help me.� I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started.'�

Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'�

The blond says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.'�

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.�

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.�

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,�

'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.'�

He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax.� Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ...' he said with a deep sigh,. .. . .. . . .�

'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'

Having A 'Bad Day'.......

Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a 'bad day'........

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Looking back over the years

that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

'What the hell was I thinking?'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you ...

I've changed my mind.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me.

####################################################

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.

*****************************************************************

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky, and West Virginia)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

We have been friends for a very long time ..

let's say we stop?

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.

=====================================================

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Your friends and I wanted to do

something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.

))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay.

Can Cold Water Clean Dishes ?

Can Cold Water Clean Dishes? This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean. John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan . After spending a great evening chatting the night

away, The next morning John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.

However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking,

'Are these plates clean?'

His grandfather replied,

'They're as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked,

'Are you sure these plates are clean?'

Without looking up the old man said,

'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.

John yelled and said,

'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted.

'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!'

Bail Em Out ???

"BAIL EM OUT! ????

Hell, back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it. They failed and it closed. Now we are trusting the economy of our country, our banking system, our auto industry and possibly our health plans to the same nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling whiskey!